Sunday, November 8, 2009

"My mind definitely had too much free time, and it was getting out of control. I fluctuated between anticipation so intense that it was very nearly pain, and an insidious fear that picked at my resolve. I had to keep reminding myself that I'd made my choice, and I wasn't going back on it. I pulled his note out of my pocket much more often than was necessary to absorb the two small words he'd written. He wants me to be safe, I told myself again and again. I would just hold on to the faith that, in the end,that desire would win out over the others. And what was my other choice -- to cut him out of my life?Intolerable." Twilight p.251

The hardest thing about a long distance relationship, for me, is the lack of one-on-one communication. The little things in everyday life that we take for granted when we are in close proximity to those we love. The soft smiles, the play of light and shadow on a face, the glint of emotion in the eyes. The simple act of holding hands; close enough to see the lines on a face and the rise and fall of breath. I struggle with this more than I ever like to admit; its like a blister that is constantly being irritated, festering and gnawing at the back of my mind. For a while, I wondered if it was just stupid jealousy -- my own inscurities
pulling me back. I suppose I could conjure up situations that would allow me to
follow that emotion, but really that is not my problem. I don't have
reason to feel that way, I am positive of that. And so, like Bella, I keep
reminding myself of my choice and of the words he last said to me.
Never enough words. Never enough time. No memories that could ever be as
wonderful as the real thing. But, they are all I have for the moment; I will
take what I can get, for now.

"Besides, since I'd come to Forks, it really seemed like my life was about him."

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