"My mind definitely had too much free time, and it was getting out of control. I fluctuated between anticipation so intense that it was very nearly pain, and an insidious fear that picked at my resolve. I had to keep reminding myself that I'd made my choice, and I wasn't going back on it. I pulled his note out of my pocket much more often than was necessary to absorb the two small words he'd written. He wants me to be safe, I told myself again and again. I would just hold on to the faith that, in the end,that desire would win out over the others. And what was my other choice -- to cut him out of my life?Intolerable." Twilight p.251

The hardest thing about a long distance relationship, for me, is the lack of one-on-one communication. The little things in everyday life that we take for granted when we are in close proximity to those we love. The soft smiles, the play of light and shadow on a face, the glint of emotion in the eyes. The simple act of holding hands; close enough to see the lines on a face and the rise and fall of breath. I struggle with this more than I ever like to admit; its like a blister that is constantly being irritated, festering and gnawing at the back of my mind. For a while, I wondered if it was just stupid jealousy -- my own inscurities
pulling me back. I suppose I could conjure up situations that would allow me to
follow that emotion, but really that is not my problem. I don't have
reason to feel that way, I am positive of that. And so, like Bella, I keep
reminding myself of my choice and of the words he last said to me.
Never enough words. Never enough time. No memories that could ever be as
wonderful as the real thing. But, they are all I have for the moment; I will
take what I can get, for now.

"Besides, since I'd come to Forks, it really seemed like my life was about him."

Johnny and June

Oh there's something about a man in black,
Makes me want to buy a Cadillac,
Throw the top back,

And roll down to Jackson town,

I wanna be there on the stage with you,

You and I could be the next rage to,

Hear the crowd roar,

Make 'em want more,

Kick the foot lights out.

I wanna love like Johnny and June,

Rings of fire burnin' with you,

I wanna walk the line,

Walk the line,

'Til the end of time.

I wanna love,

Love ya that much,

Cash it all in,

Give it all up,

When you're gone,

I wanna go too,

Like Johnny and June.

I wanna hold you baby right or wrong,

Build a world around a country song,

Pray a sweet prayer,

Follow you there,

Down in history.

I wanna love like Johnny and June

Rings of fire burnin' with you,

I wanna walk the line,

Walk the line,

'Til the end of time.

I wanna love,

Love you that much

Cash it all in,

Give it all up,

When you're gone,
I wanna go too,
Like Johnny and June.

Like Johnny and June,

More than life itself,

No-one else,

This endless promise

They don't make love like that anymore

Is that too much to be askin' for?

*~*~*~*

I met Ryan on LDS Mingle website back in Feb '09. We were friendly and had a good time chatting and talking occasionally. He was very funny and always had some witty comeback for most of the crazy convo that happened in the chatrooms. I always thought he was too young for me to be interested in (he's just a month older than me), but when he posted some recent pics of himself in May... I'll admit it... I was crushing on him!

BUT... he was young.... he was a good friend... I wasn't gonna go there!!!

Then Jeniffer (another friend from Mingle) was going to be here in WA, and that was the perfect excuse for us to plan a little WA-Mingler's party on the west side. I am still the only Eastern WA chatter... so Shelley agreed to have the party at her place.. The whole crew was invited.

I drove over from Spokane and was late (I know, shocker!) to the gathering. Shelley did the quick introductions, Hi's and Hello's... we all settled into the normal banter and light joking. Ryan was the only guy brave enough to meet us crazy ladies, LOL, and he was even cuter than his pics! ;-) I remember thinking that he was much quieter in real life... hmm.

We did the customary picture taking and hugs all around when Ryan had to leave, and the girls spent the rest of the evening talking about men and families... and all the girl talk we do... I really enjoyed the convo and insight of these women, they are amazing.

Anyway, I drove home the next day and since I was alone, I took my simple time with the drive.

I walked down along the shore at Bainbridge Island while I waited for the ferry. I marveled at the storm I could see forming and listened to the distant thunder. I thought about relationships and briefly wondered how Ryan was doing. I took pics up at Wild Horse Monument, I got a speeding ticket while trying to find a place for lunch! The drive was making me crazy! Then, I got a random text... "Hope you are having a safe trip home, I really liked seeing you".

We spent most of the rest of my trip home texting back and forth... I know, no texting and driving... anyway! We talked a bit online later that night... and again the next night.

Somewhere in the course of the next few days, we decided to meet again.

We talked it over and Ryan decided to drive to Spokane for an afternoon to see me. WOW! He got to town around 2pm and we talked in my car for a while, then decided to drive out to the Bowl and Pitcher. When we got to the trails, I had to take off my heels! I walked barefoot down the inclines and he was such a gentleman, holding my hand and helping me! We sat on some rocks along the river and put our feet in. We talked for a long time, I was really surprised at how much we had in common. Eventually, it was time for him to go home again...

5hrs was NOT enough time for me!

I was planning to leave for UT a few days later and was busy but thrilled about Ryan and how I felt about him. Every other man I was talking to didn't compare to him, everyone else fell away. I had originally planned to meet a whole mess of people and go out dancing while I was there, but it wasn't appealing anymore. I wanted a laid back weekend... no pressure. Jill met me at the airport and we talked about the 4th of July bbq. The next day I get a call from Ryan asking if I want to see him that weekend or the following weekend? I'm selfish so I said both! LOL He had some extra time off and had decided to drive to UT for the 4th, if I was willing for him to come,

HECK YES!!!

We chatted briefly online and he called me when he was leaving town. We talked most of the night as he drove... I was so amazed that he would drive all night to see me! We met around 1pm and I was SO happy to see him! I couldn't stop smiling, I held his hand, I kissed him... *sigh* When I hugged him, I knew that he was my place.

I will never doubt that.

We had a great time in UT, I had a wonderful time meeting my friends and spending time with Ryan and Jill. I loved watching fireworks with Ryan, standing in the dark and loving the beauty of the dazzling sparks. We talked for long hours while we were together, learned much about one another... I learned a lot about me as well.

I watched him drive away on Sunday, no tears exactly, just peace. Peace, because I knew that I would see him again soon, and because I knew that I would never be away from him....

not really.

Ryan has taken my heart and broken down the walls. He has set himself inside it and I feel as though he won't ever be far from me again.

I love him, more than I ever imagined. More than I ever wanted to.

I am so grateful for his love of me. I am so blessed.

I am so thrilled with this new path!

Thank you Ryan!

I love you!

So glad it's Summer!

Well school's out... I'm SO glad! I have a basement to declutter and kids to set free in the backyard! I have every intention of spending my afternoons down at the beach -- once it stops raining of course! Here are a few things that have happened since my last post...

First of all, some very exciting news for me... I was able to do something I thought I would have to wait many years to do. I was able to have Temple work done for my Great Grandma Jessie Aurora Bowser, my Great Grandpa Charlie Bowser, Great-great Grandmother Sarah Clements, as well as for my Grandpa Gene Driggers (my mom's daddy). I went with the youth to do the baptisms, I haven't done that since I was 15. It was very cool to see the awesome youth in my ward! They were so happy to be there, and they were so welcoming to one another, I love those kids! What great examples you are to my children! Then the next week my mom and I did the names in a session. The men's names were done the same night! It was such a cool week! I felt so close to my Grandma! Way cool!

For spring break, we took a family vaca to Seattle/Tacoma and went to the zoo(saw a really cool bald eagle and elephants), the science center(the butterflies were awesome and so was the planetarium), and had dinner with our Grandpa and Grandma Leonhardt (we love you and miss you and can't wait to see you again!)! Then we traveled back through Spokane and down to Rigby, ID to visit our friends Sara and Barri Farnes. We had an amazing time there reconnecting and walking around BYU-I. Sara and I did a session at the Rexburg Temple, and we even got a little guided tour... of the sealing rooms and the waiting area for the children. It is so beautiful!

Things got a little crazy after that though... Mom was in California, I was in school.... Girls started Softball. They played on a team called Hot Chili Peppers (the team chose it because their shirts were red!) Both girls did so great this season! I'm so proud of them for stepping out and learning something new. This was Sister's first time playing and Itty-Bitty was the youngest and smallest player -- being the only 6yo on a team of mainly 3-4 graders! They were AWESOME!!!!! They made good friends, as did I, and their coach was fantastic!

Things got really wild when my brother Dave got very sick from an abcest tooth. He was so sick they hospitalized him and did two oral surgeries to remove the abcesses.... EW! I spent a lot of time at the hospital so his son, Jon, could see him. It was a very tender week and I am so grateful to have been able to help my brother and nephew. I am so grateful for the Lord's hand and plan in our lives. I am so grateful for David, for being my brother and my friend. I am so grateful that I have a good relationship with him. I love him so much! I am so grateful he is healing well and able to get back to his regular routine!

After I took Dave home from the hosptial, I did something really stupid and got into a car accident.... IN my mother's car!!!! EEEEEEK!!! Thank heaven that no one was hurt. My kids weren't with me, which was another blessing because I got a little hysterical when I couldn't open the front doors. I had to climb out through the back of the Mountaineer!!! Mom was still in California, so I had the 'pleasure' of calling her and reporting the damage.... Oops! So... that brings us up to about last week.... LOL

There was other stuff like: Fritz and I went to Cattails with his class... Itty went to Riverfront and to the lake with her class, Sister went to YMCA with her class and climbed the wall there... Oh, we got a new kitten too.... Purrsia.... she's really cute... looks like a Mini-Me Domino. Domino boycotted the house when Purrsia came, for about three weeks!!! Talk about tempermental!!! But she's back inside now, staying up on Fritz's bed because Sabrina and Purrsia can't get up there! Laura came for a dance....YAY!!!! Mom bought a new car.... Suzuki XL7 -- way cute! And... I think that's about all!

WOW!!!! I'm so glad for Lazy Dazy Summer!!!!!!

Fritz has a "Cram-rer-ra"

This is one of the best gifts I've given him, especially since he just recently dismantled the automatic lens covers on my camera! It's a Fisher-Price Kid Tough Camera and he LOVES IT!!!!

It is big and chunky and has a hard outer shell. The hand grips are a rubber that helps little hands keep hold and the manufacturer claims it is even waterproof for upto 30 minutes in 3 ft of water. So that means I can feel safe letting him have it outside for play. I like the fact that you look through the veiw finder with two eyes, like binoculars. Fritz is good at winking, but Sister (eventhough she is nine) still has a hard time with that. Also, the previous picture is on the screen right away, that makes it easy for the kids to see if they like the shots. The buttons are easy to learn and use, and it is very easy to upload to the pc.

I have read several of the reviews on this product, I think many people expected way too much from this TOY. That's what it is.. a toy, not a professional camera. It will not have portrait quality pictures, but it is absolutely perfect for getting glimpses of life through your little ones eyes. That's the best thing about this camera. It gives Fritz a way to enjoy his world, pick out the things he likes about life, and be excited about being a part of our family times. When I asked him what he likes best about his new camera, he said "Mm... perfect! It takes pictures of Sabrina and Domino!"

Here are a few of his first photographs!

He loves to take pictures of our animals, these are Domino (the cat) and Sabrina (the dog) in his room.

He also likes taking pictures of his family : me, Sister, Itty-Bitty and Sister even took one with Itty and Fritz.

What is a cow's favorite thing to see?

Mooooooooooooovies!

Especially FREE MOOOOVIES!!!

That's right, Redbox is doing Free Movie Mondays and Wednesdays. Wednessdays are for March Madness... every Wednesday on their blog, they have a new Free Movie code good for 1 night's rental. Also, they have a link to set up your cell phone to recieve a code on Monday's for another free 1 night's rental (details here)! How fantastic is THAT?!?!

Through his eyes

"How do you make oranges?"
"God made them grow from fruit trees, with sun and water"
"How did frogs grow?"
"God made them from little tadpoles"
"Why do we have rain?"
"God gave us rain to water the plants and give us water to drink and bathe in."

These are the kinds of questions and answers I give Fritz each day as we drive to school or walk outside. We play I Spy and he notices his world. Sometime he lets me look at the world as he sees it. On those days, I am truly blessed.

Yesterday we were doing the same Q&A while running errands. We were walking in the parkinglot when he reached up to hold my hand and asked... "Momma, why did God give us Wal-Mart?" To which I said... "Because God knows your Momma loves a good deal once in a while!" Isn't that the truth? God Knows! He knows ME! He knows what I need... even if it's just a good deal on cough syrup for my babies who have the crud. Or if it's the extra money needed to pay that last nagging bill. Even when I need something as important as a sweet moment with my boy. God Gives because God Knows! That's all that matters.

Have a Blessed day.

Love Letters

I've decided I'm going to send love letters this week.

To whom? you may ask... "Why, to my lovelies, of course!"

I've written one for each of my children... Fritz's is really short and sweet! He'll like it when he's older, right?

Anyway, the first said letter was recieved quite well.... albeit, not found in the mailbox as I had planned (it was on the banister waiting for a stamp when the recieving child spotted it)! I don't think anyone even noticed it didn't have a stamp.... or that it wasn't found in the mailbox for that matter. They got MAIL! It had their NAME on it! YAY! Smiles and warm -fuzzies were in abundence. It was deffinately the spark I needed to write the other two notes.

I hope this will be a treasured "tradition". I've written them each letters in the past... at Church, on mgna-boards, on the whiteboard... on the bathroom mirror with whiteboard markers ;-) yup, they work great for little inspirational quotes too But I've not done it routinely, I think this is what I need. I need to tell them how I feel , before they get too old to care. Yes, I know they are young, I am SO grateful that they are... I need all the time I can have to love them and teach them.

I think this is what I need, to have a sense of love and togetherness... lead by example... no unkind words and letters of love and adoration. My kids are so good at that. I get some of the sweetest art work around: flowers, hearts, portraits, rainbows, animals... even musical compositions that they want me to play with them on the piano. Ahhh, I am blessed... even when my days are rough... when my nights are long... and my sleep is short.... I am so blessed!

Day of rest...

So, my girls are at their dad's for the weekend... I should be enjoying myself right? WRONG! I am never completely myself when my girlies aren't home. Sure, Fritz and I had lots of fun with Nana and some cousins at McD's yesterday. We did all the good fun stuff yesterday ... like... fixed breakfast, he broke my camera, dumped out all the cinnamon and sugar.... wait... "He broke your camera?" you say. Oh yes. He did. My new one.... my fancy, first one in 12 yrs one.... BROKE! played at McD's, got a toy at McD's, shopped at Wal-Mart, got lost from Momma at Wal-Mart.... Yup... Lost. Called the Manager type lost. Shut the doors type lost.... and what did this sweet boy say to me when he was found???
"Momma! Where were you? I was looking everywhere for you! You should find me next time."

We won't even go into the lovely episode he had in Church today... or the mess I just had to clean up.... Wasn't this post supposed to be about Sunday being a day of rest? Riiiiiiiiight - not if you occupy my world it isn't. It's just LIFE!

But, alas... I do love it so. Sometimes.... gotta go... Fritz just said uh-oh....Again!

Been awhile!

Like the rest of you, we've been SO busy these last two months just trying to dig out from under all of this INSANE snow!!!! We have 4 foot high piles of it all over near the road and behind the house where we had it shoveled off the roof. The back yard is still under 15inches as well.



Anyway, I have some great things to show you, first of all.... my new background, THANKS SO MUCH LEELOU AND COLEY for all of your help with my new template!!! It's wonderful! Please check out the great templates (even free ones) from LeelouBlogs. They are so trendy and really very easy to use on your own blog.... even if you are html-challenged like me! LOL Follow the link at the bottom of my page. Thanks also for the FAB buttons on my side-bars.



Also, down at the bottom, there is a super cute button for Super Capes for the Latter-day Hero, you don't have to be LDS to L-O-V-E these super-hero capes for your little ones. They have Bible characters, Monograms, and many other designs! What a perfect idea for your little Superman or Pretty Princess!!!! I'm in love with the little applique t-shirts too... the scrappy owl and Tie are my FAVES!!!!

Also, I have a super fun bit of news to report, my friend Stacy (from highschool) is starting a CUTE hairwear business, right here in my little neck of the woods!!!! The hats are so precious... it almost makes me wish I had a little baby girl again! LOL No. Not really... But I think Itty-Bitty will look SUPER-duper cute in one of those BIG flowers!!!!! Also, they are holding a Grand-Opening Giveaway for a Flower Hat or Headband of your choice. The rules are simple, you get one entry for each of the following: Posting a comment, following, and reffering a friend (have them leave your name) .... so go check it out and leave my name along with your comment.... then we'll both get an entry!!!

ONE LAST THING:
I have a few new family pics.... I hope you like them!!!! Sister got her hair cut after these pics... I'm so glad we got them done before hand! Please comment and follow my blog!