Undecided...

It's clear as I return to this site and re-read the most "recent" posts that my life is certainly not on the path that it was heading six months ago... I'm dealing well with the changes (I think.) but how have to face this new conundrum. Do I delete these frustratingly obsolete stories from my blog-life? Or, do I treat them as what they are - stories that make me who I am - and continue to blog the way I planned to originally? I am thoroughly undecided.

I spend a few minutes - OK, a lot of minutes - each day getting inspired by FANTASTIC mommy blogs and desperately feel the pull to join the throng. I love the creativity these women share with me and want to give back, inspire others, and give credit where credit is due. I've toyed with the idea that I could begin another blog... strictly craft-hair-food-review oriented. One that would not be linked with this "Journal" blog. I wonder though, if in time, that the new blog would become what this one lacks. *shrug* THen again, does it matter? I could change one or the other if that time comes. Right? Hmmm.

Still, I am undecided.

"My mind definitely had too much free time, and it was getting out of control. I fluctuated between anticipation so intense that it was very nearly pain, and an insidious fear that picked at my resolve. I had to keep reminding myself that I'd made my choice, and I wasn't going back on it. I pulled his note out of my pocket much more often than was necessary to absorb the two small words he'd written. He wants me to be safe, I told myself again and again. I would just hold on to the faith that, in the end,that desire would win out over the others. And what was my other choice -- to cut him out of my life?Intolerable." Twilight p.251

The hardest thing about a long distance relationship, for me, is the lack of one-on-one communication. The little things in everyday life that we take for granted when we are in close proximity to those we love. The soft smiles, the play of light and shadow on a face, the glint of emotion in the eyes. The simple act of holding hands; close enough to see the lines on a face and the rise and fall of breath. I struggle with this more than I ever like to admit; its like a blister that is constantly being irritated, festering and gnawing at the back of my mind. For a while, I wondered if it was just stupid jealousy -- my own inscurities
pulling me back. I suppose I could conjure up situations that would allow me to
follow that emotion, but really that is not my problem. I don't have
reason to feel that way, I am positive of that. And so, like Bella, I keep
reminding myself of my choice and of the words he last said to me.
Never enough words. Never enough time. No memories that could ever be as
wonderful as the real thing. But, they are all I have for the moment; I will
take what I can get, for now.

"Besides, since I'd come to Forks, it really seemed like my life was about him."

Johnny and June

Oh there's something about a man in black,
Makes me want to buy a Cadillac,
Throw the top back,

And roll down to Jackson town,

I wanna be there on the stage with you,

You and I could be the next rage to,

Hear the crowd roar,

Make 'em want more,

Kick the foot lights out.

I wanna love like Johnny and June,

Rings of fire burnin' with you,

I wanna walk the line,

Walk the line,

'Til the end of time.

I wanna love,

Love ya that much,

Cash it all in,

Give it all up,

When you're gone,

I wanna go too,

Like Johnny and June.

I wanna hold you baby right or wrong,

Build a world around a country song,

Pray a sweet prayer,

Follow you there,

Down in history.

I wanna love like Johnny and June

Rings of fire burnin' with you,

I wanna walk the line,

Walk the line,

'Til the end of time.

I wanna love,

Love you that much

Cash it all in,

Give it all up,

When you're gone,
I wanna go too,
Like Johnny and June.

Like Johnny and June,

More than life itself,

No-one else,

This endless promise

They don't make love like that anymore

Is that too much to be askin' for?

*~*~*~*

I met Ryan on LDS Mingle website back in Feb '09. We were friendly and had a good time chatting and talking occasionally. He was very funny and always had some witty comeback for most of the crazy convo that happened in the chatrooms. I always thought he was too young for me to be interested in (he's just a month older than me), but when he posted some recent pics of himself in May... I'll admit it... I was crushing on him!

BUT... he was young.... he was a good friend... I wasn't gonna go there!!!

Then Jeniffer (another friend from Mingle) was going to be here in WA, and that was the perfect excuse for us to plan a little WA-Mingler's party on the west side. I am still the only Eastern WA chatter... so Shelley agreed to have the party at her place.. The whole crew was invited.

I drove over from Spokane and was late (I know, shocker!) to the gathering. Shelley did the quick introductions, Hi's and Hello's... we all settled into the normal banter and light joking. Ryan was the only guy brave enough to meet us crazy ladies, LOL, and he was even cuter than his pics! ;-) I remember thinking that he was much quieter in real life... hmm.

We did the customary picture taking and hugs all around when Ryan had to leave, and the girls spent the rest of the evening talking about men and families... and all the girl talk we do... I really enjoyed the convo and insight of these women, they are amazing.

Anyway, I drove home the next day and since I was alone, I took my simple time with the drive.

I walked down along the shore at Bainbridge Island while I waited for the ferry. I marveled at the storm I could see forming and listened to the distant thunder. I thought about relationships and briefly wondered how Ryan was doing. I took pics up at Wild Horse Monument, I got a speeding ticket while trying to find a place for lunch! The drive was making me crazy! Then, I got a random text... "Hope you are having a safe trip home, I really liked seeing you".

We spent most of the rest of my trip home texting back and forth... I know, no texting and driving... anyway! We talked a bit online later that night... and again the next night.

Somewhere in the course of the next few days, we decided to meet again.

We talked it over and Ryan decided to drive to Spokane for an afternoon to see me. WOW! He got to town around 2pm and we talked in my car for a while, then decided to drive out to the Bowl and Pitcher. When we got to the trails, I had to take off my heels! I walked barefoot down the inclines and he was such a gentleman, holding my hand and helping me! We sat on some rocks along the river and put our feet in. We talked for a long time, I was really surprised at how much we had in common. Eventually, it was time for him to go home again...

5hrs was NOT enough time for me!

I was planning to leave for UT a few days later and was busy but thrilled about Ryan and how I felt about him. Every other man I was talking to didn't compare to him, everyone else fell away. I had originally planned to meet a whole mess of people and go out dancing while I was there, but it wasn't appealing anymore. I wanted a laid back weekend... no pressure. Jill met me at the airport and we talked about the 4th of July bbq. The next day I get a call from Ryan asking if I want to see him that weekend or the following weekend? I'm selfish so I said both! LOL He had some extra time off and had decided to drive to UT for the 4th, if I was willing for him to come,

HECK YES!!!

We chatted briefly online and he called me when he was leaving town. We talked most of the night as he drove... I was so amazed that he would drive all night to see me! We met around 1pm and I was SO happy to see him! I couldn't stop smiling, I held his hand, I kissed him... *sigh* When I hugged him, I knew that he was my place.

I will never doubt that.

We had a great time in UT, I had a wonderful time meeting my friends and spending time with Ryan and Jill. I loved watching fireworks with Ryan, standing in the dark and loving the beauty of the dazzling sparks. We talked for long hours while we were together, learned much about one another... I learned a lot about me as well.

I watched him drive away on Sunday, no tears exactly, just peace. Peace, because I knew that I would see him again soon, and because I knew that I would never be away from him....

not really.

Ryan has taken my heart and broken down the walls. He has set himself inside it and I feel as though he won't ever be far from me again.

I love him, more than I ever imagined. More than I ever wanted to.

I am so grateful for his love of me. I am so blessed.

I am so thrilled with this new path!

Thank you Ryan!

I love you!